Heart full to bursting.

It’s hard to figure out which emotions are real and which ones are more to do with fluctuating hormones.

I’m not a worrier in the slightest. I take everything in my stride and don’t let things get to me. Except when it comes to parenting. 

Why am I terrified at the prospect of being home alone all day every day with my children? I know how to care for them, I know their needs and routines, I know what I’m doing. It’s just that annoying what if that nags at the back of my mind. 

What if they both have a meltdown at the same time? 

What if Miss 2 needs to use the toilet while I’m feeding Mr 4 weeks and I can’t get to her in time?

I love spending time with them both, but it would be much nicer if I can get past the anxiety that comes with these random thoughts (which are all bound to happen at some point and are hardly the end of the world). Hopefully time will ease the hormones and I’ll get back into my happy calm rhythm. 

I firmly believe that 2 labour-gone-wrong cesareans have contributed a great deal to my long emotional recovery with both kids. I suspect it might be worse this time though. Why??

Because I probably can’t have any more kids. 

Were we planning more? Nope. But we hadn’t ruled out a number 3… Being told that you can’t have more is very final and definite. And that hurts to hear. Especially when you’re in such a vulnerable emotional state having just given birth to a perfect little boy that makes your heart ready to burst with love. That news bursts the bubble quick smart.

I may be able to have more kids. But not for at least 2 years and possibly not even then. And I’ll be getting long in the tooth by then – I’m not going to get any younger…

As a result I don’t want to wish away any of my baby time because I am 99% sure that it will be my last. 

That fills my heart with even more love for the perfect pair of kids that I have been lucky enough to get. Hopefully that love is enough to push out the regrets that have tried to fill that space when I haven’t been paying attention. 

 

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A new beginning

So it has been 4 weeks since my little boy was welcomed into this big wide world. It’s been a whirlwind of a time in our house- organising, feeding, changing, settling. And all this with a 2 and a half year old daughter who has been thrown into a new world of chaos and removed from her routine. 

It has been amazing to watch the changes in my son this time around. So quickly he has gone from fragile looking newborn to a little person with his own feelings and emotions. This time I’m taking the time to notice. This time I’m not wishing away a single minute of my precious time with my baby. 

Last time… Last time was tough. We were first time parents and we didn’t have an easy baby. After a very long (4+ days) labour and an emergency cesarean I was sleep deprived and and run down before I even actually had her in my arms. The first 2 weeks are oblivious. The next 2 months are hazy memories. At about the 3 month mark things started improving and we got to enjoy our little girl and were introduced to her cheeky nature. From there she has flourished and grown into a confident and cheery girl who we absolutely adore. 

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This time was very different.

Still a difficult labour but for all its own reasons. At least it was quicker. This time we got a quiet, calm, content baby who is happy to lay back and take in whatever the world throws at him. He sleeps. He eats. He sometimes wakes up and has a look around. The kind you hear of but don’t see that often. They do exist. 

So for now I’m a stay at home mummy with 2 beautiful kids. And I’m recovering from surgery. And I’m about to start doing it alone when hubby goes back to work on Monday.  And I’ve got another 2 weeks before I’m allowed to drive. I think it will be a long 2 weeks. 

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